The Grand Mysteries of USUC
by iamdracosbaby
Summary: What happens on a hot summer day when Pai lets slip that he's a member of a mysterious organization called USUC? Kish and Tart must investigate, of course! But can even these highly intelligent sleuths break Pai's code? And what's with the kitchen!


Hey everyone this is phantom and potter obsession!

_And ze grand iamdracosbaby woken up from fanfic hibernation!!! (__still has Erik chasing after her)__ Ah, now I'm the one being pursued by Erik…KISS ME MY LOVE!!!!!_

_Erik: Hell no!_

_Fine. Be that way then._

Mina- Erik, this is a TMM fan fic. Begone!

Erik- (Is gone)

Mina- Ah wth he's gone now… Neither me nor my sis own TMM!!!

_Sariah- Pshh what are you talking about you loser I DO own TMM!!!!_

_Three weeks later, Sariah's body was found at the bottom of a lake. She had been weighed down by lawsuits._

_Sariah- Fine then, I don't own TMM. (__Grumbles)_

Mina-If I did Kish would be the one with a stalker: ME!

Kish-(runs screaming)

Mina- On with the fic!

Kish- Am I in it?

Mina- Maybe. Do you like torture?

_Sariah- Sure Kish! You can be in the fic!! In fact, you can be one of the main characters!_

_Kish- Um, maybe I change my mind…_

_Sariah- Nope no time for that. ON WITH THE FIC!!!!!_

**By the way: In this fic the alien's home country is named Cereal. Come on, what else would you name a place where everyone's named after food?**

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'Twas a bright and sunny day in the Japanese city of Tokyo. Not that Kish, Tart, and Pai cared about that. Psht, they were on a windowless ship!

And boy were windowless ships _deathly _boring!

_"I have an idea!" said Pai suddenly and evilly. "I know how to beat the boredom!"_

_"Oh my! How, how?" cried Kish and Tart, wriggling with anticipation._

_"I'll be right back," said Pai, a demented grin spreading across his face. "And now," he muttered to himself, "off to consult USUC. Heheheheh…"_

"Huh?" asked Tart, who had overheard. "What's USUC?" he demanded before Pai could leave.

"Oh. My. God. The kid doesn't know what USUC is!" cried Pai in horror throwing up his hands. An evil grin formed across his features. "Do you two want to find out what USUC is?" he asked politely.

"Yeah!" Tart exclaimed excitedly.

Kish, being older and wiser hung back. "How do we find out?" Kish asked worriedly.

"Tart experiences it first hand!" Pai told Kish.

"Ah cool!" Kish yelped. "What is it? What is it?" Tart joined in on the chant until both the younger boys were jumping up and down simultaneously.

_"Oh good. I'm encouraged to see your great enthusiasm!" Pai told them. __It means they'll be easier prey._

_"So! To business. First, we must go to the USUC website," Pai informed Kish and Tart. "Taruto! Bring the laptop up to the deck."_

_"OH BOY!!!!!" screamed Tart, leaping at the chance to help in this grand escapade. And in two minutes all three aliens were onboard the deck of the ship, Kish and Tart out of their minds with excitement at the prospect of finding out what USUC was._

_"Wait a sec…" said Tart slowly after a few minutes. "The, the, the internet's NOT WORKING!!!!" The young alien looked crushed, like Pudding had just punched him in the face. NOT – that, it, well, mattered if it was Pudding or not. Getting punched in the face by anyone would suck. Yes. __Whew, Tart, good save. I-I mean, um, yes!_

_"Wow! You're right! Look at that," said Pai. "Well, um, you know, a lot of what's in computers is minerals."_

_"Minerals?" asked Kish and Tart, looking astounded._

"Wait, what does that have to do with anything?" asked Kish suspiciously.

_"SHUT UP!!! I AM THE RESIDENT GENIUS!!!!!" Pai roared, his eyes blazing. Then he settled down. "Ahem. As I was saying. Salt is a mineral. This water we have contains salt. Tart, why don't you see if adding some of the saltwater will help to bring the internet back up?"_

_"OK!!" cried Tart, who was still stupid from the heat._

"I heard in school that water and electricity don't mix," Kish commented.

"Oh yeah, who do you trust, your fogey old teachers or me?" Pai asked his dear friends indignantly. "Ah whatever. Tart, water and electricity are best friends," the alien told his younger companion.

Tart shrugged. "You're the boss Pai-sama," he told his friend. "You're the older, smart genius one. I'd trust you with my life!" And then he poured the salt water all over the laptop.

The results were quite colorful. Tart's pigtails sparked and flamed, and for a moment you could see his skeleton. It was all very much like a bad horror film. Frankenstein maybe, but none of the aliens had ever seen Frankenstein so they didn't know.

_"OMG!! TART!!!!" yelled Kish, rushing over to help his friend. Unfortunately, helping his friend included grabbing the sparking laptop away from Tart. Which is precisely what Kish did._

_"AHHHHHHH!!!!" Pai held back a sadistic laugh as his two friends jerked and sparked with electricity. "OH, NO!!! Are you guys all right?" He asked very sarcastically._

_"I guess it was the salt," said Tart shakily after a minute. "After all, Pai-sama would never knowingly lead us into harm," he reasoned._

_"Yeah, you're right!" said Kish. "Oh well, maybe we can find out what USUC is another way!"_

_They both looked up hopefully at Pai._

_"Yeah, we can," said Pai. "They publish a, um, newsletter every, uh, month. Or two months. Or whatever."_

_Kish/Tart looked as though Ichigo/Pudding (respectively) had just kissed them._

_"Oh yeah! Now I remember! I left it in the kitchen!" Pai told them, while laughing to himself inside. This should be good._

Kish and Tart both paled—and, knowing their skin tones, that's not an easy feat. Both of them were completely lost in the kitchen—and it was PAI'S kitchen. They weren't allowed in there!

"So, ehm, can you get it for us Pai?" Kish asked hopefully.

"Oh jeez, I could," Pai began. "But all of a sudden my ankle's killing me! It would be better to just rest here where I can't go in the kitchen or help you when you're screaming in pain. Not that you'll be screaming in pain or anything!"

"but you can fly…" Tart began—

"Yeah but, um, my ankle hurts too much to fly! Owie!" wailed Pai, clutching his leg and pretending to sob.

"Oh poor Pai!" exclaimed Kish sympathetically. "I thought that was your shin by the way, but YOU'RE the genius here, not me!"

"Obviously," Pai muttered. "Ehm—I mean, I obviously must give you permission to enter my torture chamber! I mean my kitchen! Go now, and discover the secrets of USUC!"

"Heheh," Pai muttered as they walked off. "The TRUE secrets of USUC…"

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_"So this is what a kitchen looks like?" asked Tart in awe as he and Kish entered Pai's 'kitchen'._

_"Wow…" Kish whistled softly. "I never thought a kitchen would look so…so…sinister."_

_"Are you kidding me?!" Tart exclaimed suddenly. "Kish, how dare you insult Pai's kitchen! He's the genius after all, not you!"_

_"Oh, right!" said Kish, stopping just short of the electric socket._

_"Hmmm, I wonder where the magazine could be…" Tart trailed off suddenly, having seen a shiny cabinet with a skull and crossbones on it. "HEY, KISH!!!! It must mean something!!!"_

_Kish walked over. " '__Warning: Strong Acids__'" he read. "well, this can only mean one thing, Tart."_

_"What?"_

_"Pai's genius must come from…DRUG USE!!!!!!!" yelled Kish. "Acid makes you smart!! Acid makes you smart!!!"_

_(A/N: I do not encourage the use of drugs to anyone of any age.)_

_And with that, Kish flung open the cabinet doors, extracted a bottle labeled __Hydrochloric acid__, and downed the whole thing._

_Silence._

_And then…_

_"OWWWWWW!!!!!" screamed Kish as his throat began to burn._

_"Kish!!!! Kish, man, did you overdose?!" yelled Tart in panic._

"Maybe it's just a bad trip," he assured himself. "Ah man! What do we do?" He took a bottle labled 'Bleach' and poured it down his screaming friends throat.

"Whoa!" Kish exclaimed, suddenly better. "Am I dead? Is this the afterlife?" He looked around. "nah, if this were the afterlife Ichigo'd be walking around in a swimsuit."

"Kish! You drank all that acid and survived!" Tart cried reverently, flinging himself down at his friend's feet. "You must be a genius! Even smarter than Pai! Are you… are you God?" he asked in a hushed, awe-struck voice.

"No, I'm Kish," Kish answered, confused. "Ehm… Tart, do you think the newsletter's in that circle?" he asked. "I'll go back here," he decided, pointing to a podium. "Look here."

"You know what?" Tart commented as he walked the circle. "this reminds me of the place where me and Pai tortured that pink fluffball!"

"That's weird," Kish commented absently, poking a button. Immediately Tart was caught up in a clear globe, similar to the one used for torturing said fluffball.

_"Wow!" exclaimed Kish. "It must be a sign! Maybe if I push the other buttons the newsletter will appear!" Quivering with excitement, he pressed the big red button that said 'Danger' on it. _

_"Ahhhh!!" screamed Tart as volts and volts of painful electricity shot to his head. _

_"Hey, Tart!! Do you see the newsletter anywhere?" asked Kish, looking around the room for it._

_"NO YOU BAKA!!! YOU STUCK ME IN THE MICROWAVE!!!" bellowed Tart. After all, what other explanation could there be?_

_"In…the…microwave?" Kish asked slowly. "This is a microwave? Famous for cheap TV dinners and popcorn?"_

_"Yes, you idiot, now let me outta here!" Tart yelled, his voice becoming both more hoarse and more shrill with every word._

_"Oh, right!" Kish looked at the control panel. "Now, which button was it again?" He stared. Maybe it was the big red button that said 'Danger' on it. He went to push it._

_"No, Kish! That's the one you just — AHHHHH!"_

_"Oh, oops." Kish pushed one on the panel next to it. "Hey, Tart, look! Another one came up! We can make popcorn now!!!"_

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"What on Cereal is taking them so long?" Pai asked incredulously. Surely they'd figured out by now that it wasn't a kitchen? 

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_"So, where do you reckon the fridge is?" Kish asked Tart five minutes later._

"I dunno," Tart said, still sniffling a little from agony. "I don't know if we should use it though—look what happened with the microwave!"

"Ah you big sissy—doesn't that look like a fridge?" Kish asked his younger companion, walking over to a door titled 'low air chamber—grade A'.

"Yeah," Tart agreed. "Fridges are big white doors, right?"

"I think so," Kish agreed, walking in. "wow… it's so big! I don't see any food," he added.

"Oh, there's a button!" Tart cried triumphantly. "Maybe it makes the food appear," he mused, pressing it. The door slid shut. "Uhm, this wasn't what I wanted it to do… stupid appliances!" he cried pummeling the door. "Lemme in! I'm HUNGRY!!!!!"

Inside the 'fridge', Kish noticed that he was having trouble breathing. "I still—don't see—the—food," he gasped. Our lovely alien baka turned back to the door, only to find it closed. "Hey! Tart you little midgie freak, let me out!" Kish had never been locked in a refrigerator, or an air-draining chamber. Not that he knew what this was.

By the time Tart got the door open, Kish was nearly unconscious from lack of nitrogen. (Which the aliens breathe) "Tart, are we poor?" he asked.

"I dunno, why?"

"There's no food in there."

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_"Okay, it's no fun to torture dead people," sighed Pai, standing up at last. "What have they gotten themselves into?"_

_He entered the torture chamber (because, after all, it was a torture chamber, not a kitchen) to find Kish and Tart debating whether to become cannibals to escape hunger. _

_"Yes," Tart finally said slowly, nodding in submission. "Yes, I see, it's — it's the only way…"_

_"WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING!!!!" exploded Pai. "I never gave you permission to enter my torture chamber!!! I outta torture you!!!!"_

_"But you said this was a — "_

_"Shut up!!!" Pai laughed silently to himself. Ah, the looks on Kish's and Tart's faces were priceless._

_"I thought this was your kitchen!!" cried Tart, confused. "And we found the fridge and the microwave and everything!! But we didn't have food so now we have to resort to either crime or cannibalism and we decided cannibalism was better cause then no innocent people would be hurt but we're really really hungry and we just wanna eat and cuddle our teddy bears and our crushes and we really wanna find out what USUC is Pai!" he finished, slightly breathless and in a very whiny tone._

"Oh my… the fridge is in the kitchen. THIS ISN'T THE KITCHEN!!!" yelled Pai. "We have plenty of food! So what if we hurt the innocents? They're HUMAN baka-chan! I threw away Kish's teddy bear, so no can do—are you admitting your crush on Pudding?"

"You threw away my teddy bear?!?!?!?!?!" wailed Kish, heartbroken.

"I—I don't have a crush on that—that crazy, sugar high monkey girl!" protested Tart.

"Sure," Pai said. "Now you all STILL want to know what USUC is?" he queried.

"Yup!" Kish and Tart chorused in unison.

_"You sure? All right, good! USUC stands for the United Sadists Union of Cereal. It is a congregation of Cereolean sadists that I belong to. Our favorite thing to do at meetings is torture people. Hence the torture chamber." Pai laughed his best diabolical laugh that they practiced every meeting. "And look! You're in it!"_

_And that is how Kish and Tart became the next victims of Pai's torture chamber._

_:D_

_THE END!!!!!_

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A/N: Yay!!!! Great way to kill a bit of time in the middle of the summer when there's nothing to do!!!

Mina-Yup! We remind me of Pai.

On another note, I told you all I'm phantom and potter obsession, right? I'm Iamdracosbaby's little sis. You can expect me to use USUC and Cereal and stuff in my fics, because it's written into some of them!

_Sariah- Yes and she is overly obsessed with fanfiction. Can't go anywhere without her notebook. Which she has like 12 of. Freaks out when she loses it. Cries when — AHHHHHHH!!!! (__runs from Mina who is carrying burning poker)_

Mina-Well, it is true. I guess. I had a spazz attack when I had to put away my notebook for an algebra test—my friend told me later I was literally twitching! And I dropped it in a creek yesterday…

Kish- WE DON'T HONESTLY CARE MINA!!!!!

_Sariah- Ah, Kish!! Well well well. (__grabs poker from Mina)__ DIE YOU PERVERTED FREAK!!!!!!!!!!_

_Kish- HELLLLLPPPPPP!!!! (__runs from crazed IchigoxMasaya fan)_

Mina-I'll save you Kish! (trips over Tart's body and dies)

_Sariah- Oh. Mina. Heh, now I have no opposition. (__Pause)__ DIE!!!!_

_Oh. And in case you didn't guess, the parts in italics were written by me, iamdracosbaby, and the parts not in italics were written by phantom and potter obsession._

_This, ladies and gents, concludes the fic. Now review lest you be the next victims!!!! __sweet innocent puppy eyes_


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